This Bottle Is My Only Friend
by Eternal Love Song
Summary: After the number one hero dies on a mission, Bakugo is left dealing with his feelings of guilt and Momo has to deal with the sudden absence of her boyfriend. [Bakumomo] [Aged up characters, Established relationship, grief/mourning, reconciliation, angst, hurt/comfort]


The day Bakugo became the number one hero left a terrible pit in his stomach. He had spent much of his career as a Pro Hero trading numbers with Deku and Shoto. They had chased each other to the top, and he had been leading the race at number five when one flashy incident finally boosted Deku to the top. It was little more than dumb luck that lead to Deku beating him and Bakugo had told him to enjoy his time in the top spot because it wouldn't last.

He and Todoroki had continued to trade numbers at the second and third spot. As powerful as they were, neither of them were particularly good with handling the media or the public, and their rating suffered for it in turns. Bakugo wasn't concerned about it too much. He knew with the certainly he'd had all of his life that he would eventually be the next number one hero. Deku had lost to him in the charts before and this would be no different.

He had thought, had planned actually, that it would be a flashy incident of his own to catapult him to the top. He had expected that he could gloat to them afterwards. That Deku would congratulate him, Todoroki would make some sarcastic comment, and it would end with them all going out for drinks on either of their tabs.

Deku wasn't supposed to die.

He especially wasn't supposed to die to the fucker that took down All Might. He wasn't supposed to be in a fight that big, that important, without either himself or Todoroki by his side. They were the top three heroes, for fucks sake! They should have all been there.

Instead he's told some bullshit about a covert op gone wrong, has to deal with Round Face crying on his shoulder, and has to race to the hospital because Ponytail nearly got herself blown up and no one bothered to fucking tell him!

Those that were gathered in the lobby waiting news all turned to him when he walked in the room with a scowl and smoking palms. Half their class was in the lobby and he was seething inside that he seemed to be the last to know.

It was Shitty Hair that approached him, because of course it was, who the hell else would it be? He had a frown on his face and Bakugo didn't bother expending the energy to read what that frown would translate into emotionally.

"If we'd known, we would have called you sooner." The excuses poured out of his mouth first thing. Bakugo didn't have the patience for it and he let off a few explosions to communicate that point. "They said she was-"

"Room number," he growled out. Words were not his friend at the moment. He wanted nothing more than to punch someone in the face, to explode something, to take all the raging emotion inside him and do something with it, but he didn't know what. But before any of that, he had to see her. He had to know that she was fine and to do that, he had to use his words.

They told him. The minute the word were out of their mouths, he was moving. He ignored everything else they said and his glared stopped them from trying to stop him. Likewise, the nurses seemed to know to stay out of his path. Before he knew he was in her room, then he was pressed again the door, and then on the floor.

He didn't realize that he was crying until he heard the anguished scream coming from his throat, felt his palm pressing into his eyes. He hadn't been there to protect her and now she was like this. He hadn't been there to fight with Deku and now he was dead.

It was late in the night, early in the morning, when Bakugo walked into his apartment. He turned the tv on to chase the silence away. The news was already calling him the new number one hero, speculating about it before the charts were even supposed to come out. Bakugo wanted to break something. He wanted to throw up.

He grabbed the nearest bottle and drank until he could finally sleep.

* * *

"You're looking better."

Momo pulled her eyes from the view outside her window when she heard Todoroki's voice. He was standing in the doorway, looking at her critically. She still had bandages wrapped around her head, but otherwise she thought she looked pretty good. Well, there were still bags under her eyes, from worry and lack of sleep, but she was sure most people would over look that. She wasn't sure that Todoroki was one of those people, but she smiled at him and greeted him with what cheer she could muster.

"Hello, Shouto."

"How are you feeling?" he asked. "They've been keeping you here a long time."

"I feel well enough," she answered. "Anxious to leave." The cheer deflated from her and her voice dropped to a whisper as she said, "I hear they had the funeral already."

Todoroki's face fell into a frown and he crossed the room to sit in the chair by her side. "Yeah... They wanted to wait for you, but..."

"It's fine," she told him. "I couldn't expect everyone to put things on hold for me. How was it? Yo're the first one to visit since..." She trailed off, bit her lip, felt unsure how to finish her sentence. Todoroki didn't make her.

"It was... too much," he said. "The media couldn't keep their hands off of it, Uravity was a mess, and..." It was his turn to pause. She watched him debate his words, iron out his word choice, and finally meet her eyes one he decided what he wanted to say. "No one's seen Bakugo since."

"What?" Something caught in her throat. She hadn't wanted to ask about Bakugo, didn't want to say to anyone else what she would rather say to his face. (What he would rather she say to his face.) Didn't want to tell or even hint to anyone how long it had been since she'd seen him. It was awkward enough that everyone found out about their relationship this way, she didn't want the second thing they heard about her and Bakugo to be a problem. She swallowed, cleared her throat, closed her eyes. There was no point in hiding from Todoroki. He was one of the only people privy to the connection between herself and Bakugo before all this. (The only other was dead.) "What do you mean?"

Todoroki sighed. She opened her eyes to study his expression. He clearly didn't want to tell her whatever had happened... Was he hoping that she'd had some insight? If so, they were on the same page. She also wished that she would know more about what was going on with Bakugo than she did currently.

"He showed up to the funeral drunk," Todoroki told her.

"What?"

"He's been keeping to himself a lot these last few weeks," Todoroki explained. "No ones really seen her outside of public appearances for hero work and he always disappears before anyone can interview him. As yo can imagine, he couldn't do that with the media swarming Deku's funeral. He punched out a reporter, one of our classmates, and tried to fight Deku's coffin. He kept demanding that he come out to face him and calling him a coward. It was... painful to watch."

She could see the truth of that statement on Todoroki's face. He had become close to Bakugo and Midoriya during their rivalry. She wouldn't hesitate to say that they three of them were best friends. This had to be hard on him.

It was hard on her. Bakugo was falling apart and she wasn't there to help hold him together. He was... hiding from her, as far as she was concerned. She bit her lip, turned away from him, but wasn't sure what to say to say. She didn't want to ask questions. She wanted to talk to Bakugo.

"Shouto," she said softly. "I think that I feel well enough to leave today. Will you wait outside to escort me out?"

"I don't think everyone would agree with that assessment," he responded. He tilted his head as he studied her, but he wouldn't have to look very far for the answer.

"No, they might not," she agreed. "Will you escort me?"

"I'll wait outside," he told her.

"Thank you."

* * *

Momo didn't have the key to Bakugo's apartment on her. She'd come straight from the hospital and hadn't wanted to waste time going all the way to her place when all she wanted was make sure he was alright. It took no time at all to make one. She'd spent many night after he'd given it to her - brusquely, with a red face and harsh words, so insistent that she couldn't have turned the offer down if she'd wanted to - staring at it, studying it, with a giddiness and reverence that would be embarrassing to admit to anyone else. Eventually she had learned to duplicate it almost without having to think about it.

She did so now, letting herself in without bothering to knock. She'd been welcome the last time she came here, she had to expect that it would be the same now. No time to worry about the lump in her throat or the butterflies in her stomach. They'd been together long enough that a few apart shouldn't make her feel this way. And yet...

She hesitated with her hand on the doorknob, grip tightening until she eventually decided to count to three and force herself to open the door. There was a scattering of bottles that rolled across the floor with the opening of the door. She hesitated at the threshold of the door now for a different reason.

"Katsuki?" she called out.

Her only answer was a low moan. She frowned, stepping into the apartment and closing the door behind her. It was dark and messy. He never let his apartment get messy like this. Bakugo was always a perfectionist, something that would have been frustrating if she wasn't so similar in many ways. This sight made her stomach drop. Not because the mess bothered her, but because she knew it would have bothered him and yet he was living in it anyway.

"Katsuki?" she called again, forcing her voice louder. She wandered through the apartment until she found him curled up on the bathroom floor, wrapped around a half empty bottle. The smell of alcohol was strong, accompanied by the more alarming scent of his body order. He needed a shower and probably a host of other things that she couldn't pinpoint by sight alone. Her eyes watered as she leaned down. It hurt to see him like this and she wasn't sure what to do about it. She placed her hand gently on his shoulder and shook. "Katsuki, look at me. Please."

Another low moan, a mumble, as he curled further around the bottle. "Go 'way."

"I can't do that, Katsuki," she told him softly. "You need..." He needed so much, so many things, she wasn't sure what to say to him. Neither of them had ever been in this kind of state in the time they'd been together. She wasn't sure how to handle it. She took a breath and told him, "You need a friend."

"This bottle is my friend. My only friend..." His voice was so soft, weak and wobbly like she'd never heard. Was he crying? She'd never heard Bakugo cry. The thought of it pierced her heart painfully. "Fuck... he went and fucking... I wasn't even there."

Words ran through her mind, lies, meant to comfort bu ultimately useless. Especially to someone like Bakugo that took platitudes like bitter pills, placebos that he was fully aware did nothing and held no value.

It would not be okay.

She didn't know that he would be okay.

She couldn't promise that it would get better.

There was only one truth that she could think of to offer and she pulled him into her arms as she whispered, "I'm here, Katsuki. I'm here."

"Fuck," he swore again, softly. She didn't know what emotion was in it this time. "It could have been you." He was trembling and watdching him fall apart was slowing pulling at her own seams. Her eyes were beginning to water, but she tried to hold it back. "I wasn't there and you..." His hand tightened on he bottle, before he desperately pulled it to his lips for another swig.

"Katsuki, no!" She knocked the bottle from his hands, spilling it across the floor. It wasn't long before they were sitting in a slowly widening pool of alcohol, but she didn't have the time to care. "Katsuki please, I'm here. I'm not dead and you don't have to... you don't have to... drown yourself!"

He sat up, glaring at her through watery eyes. "Why the fuck didn't you..." his voice broke. So did her restraint. Tears were falling down her face as she met his gaze. "Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded. "I could have helped! I could have..." He grabbed her, pulled her close and she couldn't stop the quiet sobs that escaped her as she clung to him. She'd been so scared, so worried, and now finally she was in his arms again. It was terrible. Everything about this moment was terrible. She wasn't sure how to fix this without them both falling apart. "Why didn't you let me protect you?"

Momo placed her hands on the sides of his face as she stared into his eyes through her watery gaze. "It's not your fault, Katsuki."

His hands went to her head, touching her so gingerly that she wondered if he thought she would break. "It is," he said firmly. Resolution in his bloodshot eyes, defeat written into the alcohol spreading across the floor. "I failed you."

"You didn't fail," she told him. "I..."

Bakugo pressed a hand over her mouth, holding her words in. He pressed their foreheads together, breathing heavily. "If you say anything bad about yourself, I'm throwing you out."

That was a bit more like the Bakugo she was accustomed to. It brought a small smile to her lips and she nodded her agreement. He uncovered her mouth slowly, but it was barely a moment before he replaced the block with his lips.

The kiss was... disgusting at best. But she'd missed him and this action was so familiar that she fell into it easily. She was laughing when they broke apart, and sobbing, and probably a little hysterical.

"Are you even real?" he asked quietly. "Or am I so drunk that I..." he didn't finish that statement. He looked at her like he thought she would disappear.

Something clicked in her mind and she spoke to him firmly. "I'm not dead, Katsuki. I'm right here."

"I missed you," he told her.

"I know," she answered. Suddenly nothing was more clear than how much he'd missed her, how much he'd been afraid that he had destroyed her. How much guilt was eating him up inside. She didn't want to consider what he'd be like if he'd had to mourn her, as well. "I missed you, too, Katsuki. So much." She let a few peaceful moments pass before she told him, "You need a shower. And now I do, too."

He nodded, taking one of her hands. He asked her with his eyes and she agreed with a smile. She didn't want to leave him alone right now. She didn't want to be alone again yet.

She let him help her up and they went to the tub together.


End file.
